I'd be the first to concede that ours is a wonderful language. It's organic, alive, ever changing, yet ever staying somewhat the same. It's not that it does change that bothers me, I rejoice in that. It's the when, the how, the who...that's what gripes me.
Let's start with my personal favorite. That would be the word "coffers." We'll have to assume if there can be "coffers," there must be just one "coffer" as well. Few words that sound plural lack a singular, but there are exceptions. Pants come to mind. Then again, if you spill something, it could end up on your "pant" leg. Therefore, there is a singular. One side of your pants is a "pant," the other side a "pant." What about the middle, what about the zipper, the crotch? Probably half and half, I'd guess. Even more convincing is this; you buy a pair of pants. Or you could just go and buy some pants, or just buy pants.
Then there's the television set discussion. Set? What set? Set of what? My understanding would be that you need at least two of something to have a set. You don't hear television "set" much anymore. Good.
Coffers is where we were, though.
Where are they? What do they look like? "
"County coffers are running low..."
Shit, that sounds serious. Whoever's job it is to watch the coffers must have noticed they were getting low. Alert the media. Good God, the coffers are low. Below, a dictionary definition.
cof·fer
(kôfr, kfr)
n.
1. A strongbox.
2. often coffers
a. Financial resources; funds.
b. A treasury: stole money from the union coffers.
3. Architecture A decorative sunken panel in a ceiling, dome, soffit, or vault.
4. The chamber formed by a canal lock.
5. A cofferdam.
6. A floating dock.
I might have a strongbox somewhere. I never called it a coffer. Same with you, I'm betting. Can we stop using this word? I'll sign the petition.
When did we start offloading? One day some years ago I'm watching a story about an oil tanker that caught fire - the trouble started during offloading. Huh?
Like a good many American males of my generation, I too worked on a loading dock. Two different jobs, two different places, no offloading. We loaded trucks, we unloaded trucks. We even unloaded boxcars. Never once did we offload. In order to offload, I'll theorize there has to be an onloading process. There isn't. So just where did we get offload from? I have no idea.
Uranus. This is an easy one. "Your-anus" is politically incorrect, or at least indelicate in certain circles. It is what it is, your anus. Whether there is life or no life there notwithstanding, it's a planet that used to sound like your ass, but we changed it. Although that could be the end of things, let me bring in a word from the Sisters, Servants of The Immaculate Heart of Mary. "Your-anus" was OK with them, that's what they taught us. And there was no giggling when they did.
Here's one I love. Gubernatorial. "Ladies and gentlemen, the Honorable Edward R. Rendell, Gubernor of Pennsylvania." How in hell did we ever get gubernatorial from the word governor? I looked it up once, there is an explanation. It was stupid. The term gubernatorial is stupid. Dump it. That's another petition I'll sign.
Not a word but rather a suffix; three letters long. That would be "-AGE," pronounced "-IJJ" as in roughAGE, garbAGE, tonnAGE, all of which are words. Not a word, oh, let's say, settl-AGE. I heard that once from a contractor. He saw part of my house that had settled a bit and told me, Looks like you have some settlage here." You can't add "-AGE" to any noun or verb and make it a word. If we could, I could say that I really enjoy doing some serious blog-AGE.
Here's one I almost missed. I hate this one. I hate the word fruition. "Hopefully, the mayor can bring that to fruition." What in hell does that mean? If it means completed, say completed; finished, say finished.
How did it worm its way into our lexicon? Did the print people bring it in? I tend to doubt it. My guess is that it was the teevee types who started using it, using it to sound smarter than you and me.
I was a teevee type. I never used that word, and cringed in pain when others did.
"Say, Vince, any plans for the weekend."
"Well, Sparky, I'm hoping to bring that deck of ours to fruition." Then again, "My garden hasn't reached fruition yet, Bob, I think I'll be adding some manurage to it."
